Very true. When I was suicidal, I wanted an end to my depression, but it was primarily a lot to do with loneliness and related anger at others for not being friendly (probably anger at myself and my social ineptitude deep down -- at the time, I didn't know I am autistic). Suicide is a really stupid way of dealing with loneliness, because it's going to separate you pretty permanently from whoever you might want to be friends with.
That said, the main thing that kept me going was not wanting to immerse the rest of my parents' lives in grief and self-blame. Despite being religious, the religious prohibition on suicide didn't help me much. I was willing to take my chances with God just to get away, although what you said about seeing what you could have done did occur to me and help more.
Have you read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl? Some of what you write here is similar.
To your point about using blind eyes to draw a line between cause and effect, as well as myth and martyr making (romanticizing it), I would say we need to be much more accurate and honest in our naming of her death.
"Mikayla Raines has died by suicide." removes her hand from the process of escaping the hells she was walking in. She didn't die by a phantom names suicide, she killed herself.
"Mikayla Raines killed herself" leaves the sharp edges of her ultimate act exposed and demands we see the scrapes those edges leave as we try and shimmy by the act, like a spinning saw blade. It give voice to and acknowledges just how bad her suffering must have been, to use her own hands or body to kill herself. It shines a stark light on the overall issue and asks us to understand it is not suicide killing these people but they themselves who are committing the murder.
My own opinion is we need to return to the sharp edges of our realities, no matter how cutting they are, so we once again understand the gravity not only of the world around us, but our choices in it.
It is a shame that Mikayla's world was so dark, lost and hopeless, that she chose to kill herself. Hopefully, we who see these sharp edges will be more cognizant of them, in those around us.
I understand your opinion, but “died by suicide” is the best language specifically because of its lack of drama. Killing oneself is a dramatic way to get revenge on all the terrible people who left you behind and make those bastards sorry. “Died by suicide” is how you become like the tens of billions of other dead people and cease to matter at all. I am using the language that is backed by the best research to minimize contagion. Also, the judgment you are making, while not inaccurate, is definitely dangerous. Last winter, I came closer to suicide than I had since I was a teenager. Reading your judgment that it would have made me a murderer would have pushed me closer to doing so. People who regard themselves as fundamentally bad or evil reading about a way to solidify and produce evidence that their judgment of themselves is correct are much more likely to go ahead and produce that evidence.
Thanks Holly for the additions, I didn't see them before replying. That all makes sense.
I will say there was no intention to judge in that, though I see now how it would be seen as such.
My original point was that we (as a society) soften or find euphemistic ways to see or deal with the uncomfortable things, instead of sitting with the stark reality of them and understanding their true impact - especially for those who are not dealing with the issue being discussed. It's almost like putting on blinders so we can walk past the homeless person or drug addict on the sidewalk "who has been let down by society".
In the case of suicide - people on the outside often have blinders, to the serious and desperate situations people are dealing with or feel trapped in, and walk past to avoid the discomfort of looking at what is really happening in that persons life.
All that said, I trust your take on this, and appreciate you bringing the explanation from inside of the storm. It allows me to have a better understanding and presence of mind where suicide is concerned and points to unintentional harm I may do, without intending to.
I continue to keep you in my prayers for your recovery.
Today is the second time I have read "How To Keep Breathing," and it is just as powerful as it was the first time. It's clear to me you are not only a good mathematician and teacher, but also a good writer and artist.
As I stated the first time, it is hard for me to understand the desire for suicide because of my unshakable faith in God and Jesus Christ. And I've mentioned I don't have to deal with depression, except for a case of the blues now and then.
Not that my life has been easy; there have been a number of times that I could have been taken but wasn't, even in the past five years. I believe God has a plan for my life that isn't complete yet, and whether you want to accept it or not, He also has a plan for your life that isn't complete yet.
The fact that you've been at the edge, missed once and pulled back the second time makes your story powerful. You have been there and survived. In fact, I'd suspect you have affected many others by your writing, and if that has saved just one life, it has been worth it.
We were brought together by a "chance" mention of your Substack by Huckabee, which I believe wasn't really by chance: for HIs own reasons, God wanted us to be acquainted. I believe it's because we are both part of His people; you just haven't come to accept that yet.
So, as a father prays for his children, (or perhaps as a Dutch uncle) I will pray for your physical health, and your spiritual health.
I had never heard of this woman, but its very sad nonetheless.
This reminded me of the Sisters Wives's son who killed himself. For his roommates it was semingly inconceivable that he would take his own life, and was found by his younger brother the next morning. Though its not fair to blame Kody, one has to wonder what role his Covid nacissism played in the son's decision.
Thanks for the post. Helpful. Wishes for continued recovery.
Very true. When I was suicidal, I wanted an end to my depression, but it was primarily a lot to do with loneliness and related anger at others for not being friendly (probably anger at myself and my social ineptitude deep down -- at the time, I didn't know I am autistic). Suicide is a really stupid way of dealing with loneliness, because it's going to separate you pretty permanently from whoever you might want to be friends with.
That said, the main thing that kept me going was not wanting to immerse the rest of my parents' lives in grief and self-blame. Despite being religious, the religious prohibition on suicide didn't help me much. I was willing to take my chances with God just to get away, although what you said about seeing what you could have done did occur to me and help more.
Have you read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl? Some of what you write here is similar.
Know that someday you will die, but also remember to live.
Important post.
To your point about using blind eyes to draw a line between cause and effect, as well as myth and martyr making (romanticizing it), I would say we need to be much more accurate and honest in our naming of her death.
"Mikayla Raines has died by suicide." removes her hand from the process of escaping the hells she was walking in. She didn't die by a phantom names suicide, she killed herself.
"Mikayla Raines killed herself" leaves the sharp edges of her ultimate act exposed and demands we see the scrapes those edges leave as we try and shimmy by the act, like a spinning saw blade. It give voice to and acknowledges just how bad her suffering must have been, to use her own hands or body to kill herself. It shines a stark light on the overall issue and asks us to understand it is not suicide killing these people but they themselves who are committing the murder.
My own opinion is we need to return to the sharp edges of our realities, no matter how cutting they are, so we once again understand the gravity not only of the world around us, but our choices in it.
It is a shame that Mikayla's world was so dark, lost and hopeless, that she chose to kill herself. Hopefully, we who see these sharp edges will be more cognizant of them, in those around us.
I understand your opinion, but “died by suicide” is the best language specifically because of its lack of drama. Killing oneself is a dramatic way to get revenge on all the terrible people who left you behind and make those bastards sorry. “Died by suicide” is how you become like the tens of billions of other dead people and cease to matter at all. I am using the language that is backed by the best research to minimize contagion. Also, the judgment you are making, while not inaccurate, is definitely dangerous. Last winter, I came closer to suicide than I had since I was a teenager. Reading your judgment that it would have made me a murderer would have pushed me closer to doing so. People who regard themselves as fundamentally bad or evil reading about a way to solidify and produce evidence that their judgment of themselves is correct are much more likely to go ahead and produce that evidence.
I will deffer to you're opinion on this, since you've been closer to it, than I.
I edited and extended my comment; you replied quickly so you may not have seen all of it.
Thanks Holly for the additions, I didn't see them before replying. That all makes sense.
I will say there was no intention to judge in that, though I see now how it would be seen as such.
My original point was that we (as a society) soften or find euphemistic ways to see or deal with the uncomfortable things, instead of sitting with the stark reality of them and understanding their true impact - especially for those who are not dealing with the issue being discussed. It's almost like putting on blinders so we can walk past the homeless person or drug addict on the sidewalk "who has been let down by society".
In the case of suicide - people on the outside often have blinders, to the serious and desperate situations people are dealing with or feel trapped in, and walk past to avoid the discomfort of looking at what is really happening in that persons life.
All that said, I trust your take on this, and appreciate you bringing the explanation from inside of the storm. It allows me to have a better understanding and presence of mind where suicide is concerned and points to unintentional harm I may do, without intending to.
Thanks for all that.
I continue to keep you in my prayers for your recovery.
Today is the second time I have read "How To Keep Breathing," and it is just as powerful as it was the first time. It's clear to me you are not only a good mathematician and teacher, but also a good writer and artist.
As I stated the first time, it is hard for me to understand the desire for suicide because of my unshakable faith in God and Jesus Christ. And I've mentioned I don't have to deal with depression, except for a case of the blues now and then.
Not that my life has been easy; there have been a number of times that I could have been taken but wasn't, even in the past five years. I believe God has a plan for my life that isn't complete yet, and whether you want to accept it or not, He also has a plan for your life that isn't complete yet.
The fact that you've been at the edge, missed once and pulled back the second time makes your story powerful. You have been there and survived. In fact, I'd suspect you have affected many others by your writing, and if that has saved just one life, it has been worth it.
We were brought together by a "chance" mention of your Substack by Huckabee, which I believe wasn't really by chance: for HIs own reasons, God wanted us to be acquainted. I believe it's because we are both part of His people; you just haven't come to accept that yet.
So, as a father prays for his children, (or perhaps as a Dutch uncle) I will pray for your physical health, and your spiritual health.
I had never heard of this woman, but its very sad nonetheless.
This reminded me of the Sisters Wives's son who killed himself. For his roommates it was semingly inconceivable that he would take his own life, and was found by his younger brother the next morning. Though its not fair to blame Kody, one has to wonder what role his Covid nacissism played in the son's decision.
Yes. I’m a hardcore trashbag (joking name for a certain subset of fans of the show). I wrote about Garrison’s death here: https://hollymathnerd.substack.com/p/the-club-nobody-deserves-to-join and here: https://hollymathnerd.substack.com/p/the-wreckage-of-tragic-choices
Sorry. I couldn’t remember his name.