I remember coming back to re-read the first edition of this post during many of my more recent low points, it might just be my favorite post you've ever made.
Your original post is also the reason a copy of Stay has a permenent home on my bookshelf today, with a promise to myself that if anyone I know or come across needs it as much as I did I will mail or give it to them and buy another.
I'm glad we're both still here. And to anyone else who happens to be reading this? I'm glad you're still here too :)
Thank you, Holly. You saved a life today of one of your readers or a friend or family member of theirs. And over time, what you've written will save additional lives. Take some comfort knowing your own suffering hasn't been in vain.
Thanks for another insightful, intelligent, and interesting post, Holly. A very different take from what we often hear on this topic, but one that gets much closer to the truth of things. Brilliant! I'm so glad that, even though you're no longer on Twitter, we can still enjoy your writing here on Substack. You have so much to offer the world with your writing, and I do hope you not only continue to write (of course!) but also find ways to expand your reach. Your insights on human psychology are unparalleled, and there are so many people out there who would do well to read your work.
"you are not screaming into the void in vain. The void is just practicing active listening and wants you to let it all out without feeling like it is judging or trying to speak over you."
(thank you void)
#TheVoid is there for you. It wants you to know that it and the Abyss have been talking and they both think you're pretty great. I mean, why do you think the Abyss looks back into you? It's because you look fine as hell."
transcribed from a screenshot originating from user ScorpioFactsDaily, possibly from Tumbler?
the Y is kicking me out. they say i've been breaking rules, that i didn't know were rules. no warning, and apparently no appeal i'm supposed to get out at 5, the bus service to Dixon you have to schedule a day in advance.
apparently no one is allowed to go to the toilet if someone is in the shower... aleisha mentioned that yesterday and i explained with IBS and bladder issues, i can't wait for a bathroom.
and after i showered this morning, i wrapped in a towel to go around the corner to my room - i didn't know we were supposed to dress in the shower stall
This one must have been difficult to get through, at least for a time.
Attempting suicide and going back over that is one thing. That's hard, of course, but possible.
Finding those who have committed suicide is quite another ordeal. Much tougher, even when you didn't know them. Being the first person there is never a feeling I will forget.
And then add the fact you were close and cared for the person you found. Now that is close to impossible even with people you are intimately close to. That is another level.
So kudos and congratulations on being able to have this out publicly and in text. I cannot get through some of those memories of mine without breaking down a few times. That's just as memories, not even when they get relayed to another or annotated. That takes much longer.
So seriously, the fact you CAN DO THIS and WILLINGLY says a lot about the longevity and effectiveness of your OWN recovery and how strong you have become.
I've done that. I've imagined a time beyond which I likely wouldn't be alive. I did this as a response to my annoying tinnitus, which began at a noticeably loud volume in August of 2016, during an AC/DC concert.
Something that always helped me hang on was a line from the show Justified. The main character Raylan is trying to talk down a prisoner who's got two guards as hostages and is threatening to do a murder/suicide combo. Raylan says something along the lines of that what he's read is that people stop themselves from self deletion because they want to know how the story ends.
it's easy to get to a point where it feels like you don't have any options and the only way out is death. But even at my lowest, I've wanted to know what really happens in a movie that I've seen a trailer for or know what the upcoming product Apple is rumored to release will be like.
That might be lame and maybe this comment doesn't belong here; I don't know. But that's what was on my mind when I read your post.
Found this as a result of reading the Disaffected newsletter. Very new to this platform. But just wanted to say I read all of this from beginning to end and it was difficult not to let the tears out, as I’m having some time at work to read but not make a spectacle of myself. I am so appreciative of the grit and non-fluff of this.
I am not currently having any suicidal thoughts, and yet somehow I feel ...”saved” (that’s really the only word coming to mind that feels genuine) by this. Like...when Ron inherited the deluminator from Dumbledore. Yeah, that little gadget is going to come in useful in a little while, Buddy, just wait till the trouble comes.
Excellent post ! I had a young friend die by suicide just a few days over a year ago and it affected me profoundly. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. My own mental and physical health collapsed again and again and I’m only recently getting it back. I wish she had read this. I will share widely.
This is my second time reading this, and it helped both times. Never underestimate the power of connection and genuine caring, even from stranger to stranger. I hope you have a cat, because they give much needed unconditional love, and they are warm, and have a heartbeat.. Thank you for the link.
Holly, you are close to my youngest child’s age. Yet, every time I read one of your pieces I am reminded that the path to wisdom is a rough road, but not necessarily a long one. Thank you for writing this. I was deeply depressed in my 40s and what kept me hanging on was the deep desire to not f*ck up my children THAT way. I figured I was messing up in all kinds of ways, but suicide would be the ultimate betrayal of my responsibilities as a Mom. I’ve not suffered from depression in over 15 years because I was diagnosed as hypothyroid and take hormone support for it. Depression can be a symptom for a physical problem too. Anyone suffering needs to insist on a full physical assessment for conditions where depression is a symptom. Again, thank you for insights and willingness to share them.
I remember coming back to re-read the first edition of this post during many of my more recent low points, it might just be my favorite post you've ever made.
Your original post is also the reason a copy of Stay has a permenent home on my bookshelf today, with a promise to myself that if anyone I know or come across needs it as much as I did I will mail or give it to them and buy another.
I'm glad we're both still here. And to anyone else who happens to be reading this? I'm glad you're still here too :)
Thank you, Holly. You saved a life today of one of your readers or a friend or family member of theirs. And over time, what you've written will save additional lives. Take some comfort knowing your own suffering hasn't been in vain.
Thanks for another insightful, intelligent, and interesting post, Holly. A very different take from what we often hear on this topic, but one that gets much closer to the truth of things. Brilliant! I'm so glad that, even though you're no longer on Twitter, we can still enjoy your writing here on Substack. You have so much to offer the world with your writing, and I do hope you not only continue to write (of course!) but also find ways to expand your reach. Your insights on human psychology are unparalleled, and there are so many people out there who would do well to read your work.
"you are not screaming into the void in vain. The void is just practicing active listening and wants you to let it all out without feeling like it is judging or trying to speak over you."
(thank you void)
#TheVoid is there for you. It wants you to know that it and the Abyss have been talking and they both think you're pretty great. I mean, why do you think the Abyss looks back into you? It's because you look fine as hell."
transcribed from a screenshot originating from user ScorpioFactsDaily, possibly from Tumbler?
the Y is kicking me out. they say i've been breaking rules, that i didn't know were rules. no warning, and apparently no appeal i'm supposed to get out at 5, the bus service to Dixon you have to schedule a day in advance.
apparently no one is allowed to go to the toilet if someone is in the shower... aleisha mentioned that yesterday and i explained with IBS and bladder issues, i can't wait for a bathroom.
and after i showered this morning, i wrapped in a towel to go around the corner to my room - i didn't know we were supposed to dress in the shower stall
Thanks. This is terrific.
This one must have been difficult to get through, at least for a time.
Attempting suicide and going back over that is one thing. That's hard, of course, but possible.
Finding those who have committed suicide is quite another ordeal. Much tougher, even when you didn't know them. Being the first person there is never a feeling I will forget.
And then add the fact you were close and cared for the person you found. Now that is close to impossible even with people you are intimately close to. That is another level.
So kudos and congratulations on being able to have this out publicly and in text. I cannot get through some of those memories of mine without breaking down a few times. That's just as memories, not even when they get relayed to another or annotated. That takes much longer.
So seriously, the fact you CAN DO THIS and WILLINGLY says a lot about the longevity and effectiveness of your OWN recovery and how strong you have become.
I've done that. I've imagined a time beyond which I likely wouldn't be alive. I did this as a response to my annoying tinnitus, which began at a noticeably loud volume in August of 2016, during an AC/DC concert.
I've had some pretty dark days myself.
Something that always helped me hang on was a line from the show Justified. The main character Raylan is trying to talk down a prisoner who's got two guards as hostages and is threatening to do a murder/suicide combo. Raylan says something along the lines of that what he's read is that people stop themselves from self deletion because they want to know how the story ends.
it's easy to get to a point where it feels like you don't have any options and the only way out is death. But even at my lowest, I've wanted to know what really happens in a movie that I've seen a trailer for or know what the upcoming product Apple is rumored to release will be like.
That might be lame and maybe this comment doesn't belong here; I don't know. But that's what was on my mind when I read your post.
That, and I wondered who the blogger was.
Found this as a result of reading the Disaffected newsletter. Very new to this platform. But just wanted to say I read all of this from beginning to end and it was difficult not to let the tears out, as I’m having some time at work to read but not make a spectacle of myself. I am so appreciative of the grit and non-fluff of this.
I am not currently having any suicidal thoughts, and yet somehow I feel ...”saved” (that’s really the only word coming to mind that feels genuine) by this. Like...when Ron inherited the deluminator from Dumbledore. Yeah, that little gadget is going to come in useful in a little while, Buddy, just wait till the trouble comes.
Thank you
Just read this out of curiosity and I am impressed.
Excellent post ! I had a young friend die by suicide just a few days over a year ago and it affected me profoundly. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. My own mental and physical health collapsed again and again and I’m only recently getting it back. I wish she had read this. I will share widely.
This is my second time reading this, and it helped both times. Never underestimate the power of connection and genuine caring, even from stranger to stranger. I hope you have a cat, because they give much needed unconditional love, and they are warm, and have a heartbeat.. Thank you for the link.
Holly, you are close to my youngest child’s age. Yet, every time I read one of your pieces I am reminded that the path to wisdom is a rough road, but not necessarily a long one. Thank you for writing this. I was deeply depressed in my 40s and what kept me hanging on was the deep desire to not f*ck up my children THAT way. I figured I was messing up in all kinds of ways, but suicide would be the ultimate betrayal of my responsibilities as a Mom. I’ve not suffered from depression in over 15 years because I was diagnosed as hypothyroid and take hormone support for it. Depression can be a symptom for a physical problem too. Anyone suffering needs to insist on a full physical assessment for conditions where depression is a symptom. Again, thank you for insights and willingness to share them.