I don’t know many who can analyze the intersection of human nature, the current culture and their past trauma, and effectively (without drama or affectation) communicate the take aways in writing. As if that weren’t enough, you seamlessly weave in insights about the value of true friendship. I really appreciate your perspectives and your writing style.
Kickass. I know that healing always feels weird because people get so accustomed to not being well. Reacting to events differently will feel totally weird at first. But the more you notice you're healing and not reacting the way you used to, the better it gets. You'll start to become used to reacting in a more normal (healed) fashion.
But, of course, that won't stop other people who are stuck in victim mode from thinking you taking personal responsibility was somehow wrong. We just got to not care what those sorts of people think.
Thank you for saying this. Being in a liminal place, where I've made a lot of progress in some areas and not much in others, makes understanding my own reactions and feelings very confusing sometimes. Just trusting it's moving in the right direction. :-)
I decided to subscribe to your posts only to be able to tell you how I appreciate your writing. It's honest, rational, thoughtful, clear and wise. Just wanted to tell you: THANK YOU.
I'm so thankful to you for writing this because of the Mother's Day/Father's Day section! I was saying basically the same thing on Facebook and had people tell me how uncaring and unsympathetic I was because some people have issues with Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, I told them I had had five miscarriages between my first and second child and they weren't early they were anywhere from 1 month to 4 months. I had a father who was not kind and I won't go into details but I have been known to send Father's Day cards to people that I thought were a wonderful father figure! Same with Mother's Day cards. I totally agree with you that everything our society does these days just accentuates negatives instead of helping people to see through different eyes what might be there, like a father figure, a sister figure, or even a boss who behaves in a way that helps you learn. We should all be celebrating the positives in our lives instead of remembering and accentuating the negatives. I'm sharing this article with those people. Thank you!
You have learned a good lesson on responding to an event that is likely to happen quite rarely. It's a lesson worth learning and one that will instill in you the confidence needed if another such circumstance should occur. I hope that the next time a man who is a stranger to you offers to assist you, your first response won't be to automatically assume he's a predator, but to engage all your senses, including the common one, and employ caution as well as confidence as you determine whether or not to accept his offer.
Okay, but don't think you can get away with saying you know a joke that's too offensive for your audience because that just makes me want to hear it more
I agree with Josh, you handled it with an appropriate reaction, and you were appropriately angry. I can imagine my wife behaving exactly the same way. Although I would have wanted to find the guy...
It can either plug into your cigarette lighter, or you can run it off of a battery that also works in Dewalt cordless drills.
It has a PSI pre-set that lets you set the pressure you need, and it will automatically shut off when it's at that pressure. It's also very fast. It's a little pricey, but I think it's worth it to be able to pump up your tires anytime you need.
Wonderful! Might I suggest Brazilian jiujitsu? It's a martial art that teaches smaller people how to neutralize threats from bigger people. Doesn't work all the time, but it's a phenomenal workout, great community, and you can learn useful skills to keep in your back pocket.
I know you are getting high marks from everyone here, and I know you are mostly talking about emotional processing. But at the risk of drawing your ire, I have to say that if I were your father and you came home and related this story to me, I would have told you that you were damn foolish to tell a potential rapist that you were not armed. I would also have told you that you were right to trust your instincts that he did not appear to be a genuine threat, but that does not mean you do not maintain heightened situational awareness, especially at any time someone you do not know is angling to get within arm's reach. This could have ended very, very, badly.
I thought about this a lot. And I know you mean well, but I think you're wrong. It is incoherent to say that I was right to trust my instincts but then criticize me as having somehow failed to maintain situational awareness by letting him get within arm's reach. The only way to split that hair would be to say, "No, I will not learn what you're doing so next time I can do it myself. I trusted my instinct enough to let you serve me but it would be too risky to actually learn how to do this thing. My instincts are good enough to let you do this thing but not good enough to trust that I can or should learn to do it myself." Second, you're just wrong. Every interaction with a human male is not a potential rape. Your assessment is perfectly in line with the hysteria in Woke forums filled with women who describe situations with men, both less severe and more severe than this one, situations that are even mildly uncomfortable are all described as "could have ended badly." If males are so dangerous, as a group, that every interaction that is in any way inappropriate is a potential rape then it's time to advocate for males to be kept at home under curfews, for they are too dangerous to be allowed freedom. That fits Woke narratives, and your characterization, but I don't think it's true.
Lastly, I accept full responsibility for how stupid it was to put one of the very, very, very rare experiences of feeling like I handled something reasonably well online. That was monumental idiocy. On an emotional level, it was almost suicidal on my part. Having accepted full responsibility for both my desire to hold onto my feeling of pride in myself, and for the asinine decision to share it, I have a suggestion for you. If you are going to go around invoking "father" in comments you make online, then at least try to think like one who is interested in something other than causing paralysis, fear, and distrust in the people you're so bold as to play "father" to. Telling a stranger that something she said under extreme stress without conscious thought was "damn foolish" is telling her that she is wholly unfit for adult life, that her deepest instincts, the survival instincts that get triggered by adrenaline, are not just untrustworthy, they must be contravened because they are **specifically going to cause her serious trouble**. If you are right about my instincts, then there is no point in my attempting to look out for my own safety at all. I might as well go about taking whatever risk I fancy taking, since under stress my instincts are worse than worthless. My father believed similarly hopeless and horrifying things about me, but I think he was wrong, and I think you're wrong.
I am not going to have an extended debate. This conversation is over.
Wow, the gamut of emotions indeed. As a man who will never remotely understand what this is like--both past and present events--and as someone who doesn't know you this is kinda impressive. Part of me wants to be indignant but the other part is not so presumptuous to think you don't got it covered, because you clearly do ☺
I have an 18-year-old daughter with whom I'll be sharing this post. It sounds like your reactions, both in the moment and in your reflecting on it afterward, were a model of health, appropriateness and good judgment.
Josh was correct that you'd also have been well within your rights to reset his facial expression with your open hand, but the fact that you'd have been justified doesn't mean you "should" have done it, and it sounds (I think) like you aren't judging yourself negatively for not doing so, which is good. Hopefully you'll never have to deal with a similar situation again, but if you do, having now thought about the option of tattooing your handprint on the guy's face and probably visualized having done so, you're in a position to decide in that moment whether belting him serves your best interest (based on your assessment of the situation such as size differential, whether other people are nearby, etc.) and to go ahead and let him have it if it does.
We've all had it drilled it into our heads for so long that "violence is never the answer" that for most people, those for whom it would never occur to us to grope someone, mug someone, etc., it becomes difficult to even entertain the possibility of hitting someone, regardless of what they're doing to us. I'm guessing that, as a result, even if we do decide to slap or punch someone who's taken liberties with us, it would be easy to subconsciously hold back and pull the punch / slap to some extent. I'm open to arguments against what I'm about to say, but I would propose that if you (the general "you") think about being in a similar situation at some point and you visualize your potential reactions, when you see yourself slapping him, slap him as hard as you can. I doubt any grown man ever got injured (in the sense of needing to be treated) from being slapped, but it can surely smart, and can also potentially stun someone for a couple of seconds, giving you a bit of extra time & space to make your exit.
The cad certainly *deserved* a slap, but it still may not have been tactically wise. A man who is uncivilized enough to grope random women in public may also be sufficiently uncivilized as to react to violence with violence.
I didn't say a fucking thing about "just letting him grope her", you imbecile. I said that using physical violence in that scenario might lead to her undergoing more harm than she suffered in this scenario. It's got precisely fuck all to do with "upsetting him" and everything to do with giving tactical advice to help Holly actually survive the encounter.
Are you in fact unaware of the average size differences between the sexes? Or did the idea that men are frequently more physically dangerous *and* prone to violence never occur to you? Or do you just like swanning about suggesting that women pick fights they are statistically more likely to lose out of some twisted desire to read about women getting beaten up? I'm curious which idiotic asshole pathology you suffer from, beyond that of being an internet tough guy.
What a great post! You should be so proud of yourself!
I don’t know many who can analyze the intersection of human nature, the current culture and their past trauma, and effectively (without drama or affectation) communicate the take aways in writing. As if that weren’t enough, you seamlessly weave in insights about the value of true friendship. I really appreciate your perspectives and your writing style.
She has an unusual talent.
Kickass. I know that healing always feels weird because people get so accustomed to not being well. Reacting to events differently will feel totally weird at first. But the more you notice you're healing and not reacting the way you used to, the better it gets. You'll start to become used to reacting in a more normal (healed) fashion.
But, of course, that won't stop other people who are stuck in victim mode from thinking you taking personal responsibility was somehow wrong. We just got to not care what those sorts of people think.
Thank you for saying this. Being in a liminal place, where I've made a lot of progress in some areas and not much in others, makes understanding my own reactions and feelings very confusing sometimes. Just trusting it's moving in the right direction. :-)
And that's why it is great that you have Josh to talk with these feelings and reactions.
I decided to subscribe to your posts only to be able to tell you how I appreciate your writing. It's honest, rational, thoughtful, clear and wise. Just wanted to tell you: THANK YOU.
Thank you so much!! :-)
I'm so thankful to you for writing this because of the Mother's Day/Father's Day section! I was saying basically the same thing on Facebook and had people tell me how uncaring and unsympathetic I was because some people have issues with Mother's Day and Father's Day. However, I told them I had had five miscarriages between my first and second child and they weren't early they were anywhere from 1 month to 4 months. I had a father who was not kind and I won't go into details but I have been known to send Father's Day cards to people that I thought were a wonderful father figure! Same with Mother's Day cards. I totally agree with you that everything our society does these days just accentuates negatives instead of helping people to see through different eyes what might be there, like a father figure, a sister figure, or even a boss who behaves in a way that helps you learn. We should all be celebrating the positives in our lives instead of remembering and accentuating the negatives. I'm sharing this article with those people. Thank you!
And, I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!!
You have learned a good lesson on responding to an event that is likely to happen quite rarely. It's a lesson worth learning and one that will instill in you the confidence needed if another such circumstance should occur. I hope that the next time a man who is a stranger to you offers to assist you, your first response won't be to automatically assume he's a predator, but to engage all your senses, including the common one, and employ caution as well as confidence as you determine whether or not to accept his offer.
Bravo! Bravo!
Resilience seems to have lost its value. You claimed yours.
Okay, but don't think you can get away with saying you know a joke that's too offensive for your audience because that just makes me want to hear it more
I agree with Josh, you handled it with an appropriate reaction, and you were appropriately angry. I can imagine my wife behaving exactly the same way. Although I would have wanted to find the guy...
Those gas station pumps are always a kind of a pain - even when they're not sucking down quarters. I've bought probably a half dozen air compressors of varying quality and I keep one in my car and another in my wife's car. The one I landed on: https://www.lowes.com/pd/DEWALT-110-Volt-Lithium-Ion-Li-Ion-Air-Inflator-Power-Source-Battery-Car-Electric/1000632717
It can either plug into your cigarette lighter, or you can run it off of a battery that also works in Dewalt cordless drills.
It has a PSI pre-set that lets you set the pressure you need, and it will automatically shut off when it's at that pressure. It's also very fast. It's a little pricey, but I think it's worth it to be able to pump up your tires anytime you need.
amazing levels of self awareness. thank you
Wonderful! Might I suggest Brazilian jiujitsu? It's a martial art that teaches smaller people how to neutralize threats from bigger people. Doesn't work all the time, but it's a phenomenal workout, great community, and you can learn useful skills to keep in your back pocket.
I know you are getting high marks from everyone here, and I know you are mostly talking about emotional processing. But at the risk of drawing your ire, I have to say that if I were your father and you came home and related this story to me, I would have told you that you were damn foolish to tell a potential rapist that you were not armed. I would also have told you that you were right to trust your instincts that he did not appear to be a genuine threat, but that does not mean you do not maintain heightened situational awareness, especially at any time someone you do not know is angling to get within arm's reach. This could have ended very, very, badly.
I thought about this a lot. And I know you mean well, but I think you're wrong. It is incoherent to say that I was right to trust my instincts but then criticize me as having somehow failed to maintain situational awareness by letting him get within arm's reach. The only way to split that hair would be to say, "No, I will not learn what you're doing so next time I can do it myself. I trusted my instinct enough to let you serve me but it would be too risky to actually learn how to do this thing. My instincts are good enough to let you do this thing but not good enough to trust that I can or should learn to do it myself." Second, you're just wrong. Every interaction with a human male is not a potential rape. Your assessment is perfectly in line with the hysteria in Woke forums filled with women who describe situations with men, both less severe and more severe than this one, situations that are even mildly uncomfortable are all described as "could have ended badly." If males are so dangerous, as a group, that every interaction that is in any way inappropriate is a potential rape then it's time to advocate for males to be kept at home under curfews, for they are too dangerous to be allowed freedom. That fits Woke narratives, and your characterization, but I don't think it's true.
Lastly, I accept full responsibility for how stupid it was to put one of the very, very, very rare experiences of feeling like I handled something reasonably well online. That was monumental idiocy. On an emotional level, it was almost suicidal on my part. Having accepted full responsibility for both my desire to hold onto my feeling of pride in myself, and for the asinine decision to share it, I have a suggestion for you. If you are going to go around invoking "father" in comments you make online, then at least try to think like one who is interested in something other than causing paralysis, fear, and distrust in the people you're so bold as to play "father" to. Telling a stranger that something she said under extreme stress without conscious thought was "damn foolish" is telling her that she is wholly unfit for adult life, that her deepest instincts, the survival instincts that get triggered by adrenaline, are not just untrustworthy, they must be contravened because they are **specifically going to cause her serious trouble**. If you are right about my instincts, then there is no point in my attempting to look out for my own safety at all. I might as well go about taking whatever risk I fancy taking, since under stress my instincts are worse than worthless. My father believed similarly hopeless and horrifying things about me, but I think he was wrong, and I think you're wrong.
I am not going to have an extended debate. This conversation is over.
Fair enough. It’s your post.
Even rapists have some situational awareness and rarely rape female drivers at filling stations....
Wow, the gamut of emotions indeed. As a man who will never remotely understand what this is like--both past and present events--and as someone who doesn't know you this is kinda impressive. Part of me wants to be indignant but the other part is not so presumptuous to think you don't got it covered, because you clearly do ☺
Very well handled!
Welcome to the "I really should smack you upside the head but I'll choose to restrain myself" club. Your membership card is in the mail.
I have an 18-year-old daughter with whom I'll be sharing this post. It sounds like your reactions, both in the moment and in your reflecting on it afterward, were a model of health, appropriateness and good judgment.
Josh was correct that you'd also have been well within your rights to reset his facial expression with your open hand, but the fact that you'd have been justified doesn't mean you "should" have done it, and it sounds (I think) like you aren't judging yourself negatively for not doing so, which is good. Hopefully you'll never have to deal with a similar situation again, but if you do, having now thought about the option of tattooing your handprint on the guy's face and probably visualized having done so, you're in a position to decide in that moment whether belting him serves your best interest (based on your assessment of the situation such as size differential, whether other people are nearby, etc.) and to go ahead and let him have it if it does.
We've all had it drilled it into our heads for so long that "violence is never the answer" that for most people, those for whom it would never occur to us to grope someone, mug someone, etc., it becomes difficult to even entertain the possibility of hitting someone, regardless of what they're doing to us. I'm guessing that, as a result, even if we do decide to slap or punch someone who's taken liberties with us, it would be easy to subconsciously hold back and pull the punch / slap to some extent. I'm open to arguments against what I'm about to say, but I would propose that if you (the general "you") think about being in a similar situation at some point and you visualize your potential reactions, when you see yourself slapping him, slap him as hard as you can. I doubt any grown man ever got injured (in the sense of needing to be treated) from being slapped, but it can surely smart, and can also potentially stun someone for a couple of seconds, giving you a bit of extra time & space to make your exit.
Violence might be a proper answer to violence, like in this situation.
The cad certainly *deserved* a slap, but it still may not have been tactically wise. A man who is uncivilized enough to grope random women in public may also be sufficiently uncivilized as to react to violence with violence.
Sure, sure, she would do much better just letting him grope her. Could she scream or would you advice against it, as it might have upset him?
Oh look, a moron. Yay.
I didn't say a fucking thing about "just letting him grope her", you imbecile. I said that using physical violence in that scenario might lead to her undergoing more harm than she suffered in this scenario. It's got precisely fuck all to do with "upsetting him" and everything to do with giving tactical advice to help Holly actually survive the encounter.
Are you in fact unaware of the average size differences between the sexes? Or did the idea that men are frequently more physically dangerous *and* prone to violence never occur to you? Or do you just like swanning about suggesting that women pick fights they are statistically more likely to lose out of some twisted desire to read about women getting beaten up? I'm curious which idiotic asshole pathology you suffer from, beyond that of being an internet tough guy.
So please, do enlighten.
Oh, real tough anonymous internet intellectual getting upset and personal.