I think that all of the apps and platforms and information avenues we're able to wander down do open up the possibilities for learning and interactions. I can encounter and integrate far more useful information on Twitter and watching brief YouTube videos that I can sitting down and reading books start-to-finish, for example.
However, that kind of multi-tasking isn't just not optimal for humans. It's actually antithetical to they way we usually operate in the world. There's no online equivalent to sitting down and reading for two hours, losing yourself in the flow state. Similarly, there's no online equivalent to the nuance and social cues and neurotransmitter release and pheromones and tactility of spending time with people, in person. I think this a lesson that most 'online' people are beginning to learn. I fear it's one that the young will require decades to learn... and by the their damage may be irreparable.
Yes -- things like Udemy are the biggest benefit of a digital life. But even there, single focus is crucial. I only got "good" at number theory problems when I started prioritizing spending time every day doing nothing but working on number theory problems with single focus. Multitasking is just not really a thing, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves it is. We just switch back and forth very quickly, and lose all the benefits of prior focus and attention every time.
Seriously though, I have been trying to understand how I manage to get less and less done, the more attention and interaction I get online, so this is very timely for me.
My Substack brings in enough money that it's substantially speeding up my student loan payoff (or, at present, helping me save up for a planned move to a new apartment and getting a hearing dog). If not for this fact, it would not be remotely worth the trouble that having even a tiny audience like mine causes. If you're in the early stages of this, go into it with your eyes open. You will likely not experience the creepy sexual stuff but the rest of it is time-consuming, too.
This is a fantastic post Holly! I completely agree! I struggle with the same thing. I have very close friends: in New York, California, and Jerusalem! Among other places. I live in Philadelphia. I have precisely two close friends who live nearby. I freelance from home and have tons of virtual contact but see human friends in person precisely twice a week, and sometimes less. I've been sick a lot this year and that has cut down on in person time too. I also agree about working remotely being ideal. I don't want to "bring my whole self" to work! My whole self is no one's damn business! I want to do my job, produce what needs to be produced, and then go do my things. I like having work that I believe in, but it's not my identity the way it was when I was much younger. I just love your blog and all of your thoughts on so many varied topics. Sending lots of love, though it is virtual!
I don’t have any in person friends where I live, and I haven’t since I lived in another state back in 2015. I’m married with two kids, though, so I’m never alone. My closest friend from college is maybe 2 hours away, but her life is in chaos bc her husband is sick, and the children she adopted have a lot of mental health issues from trauma experienced before their adoption… so she only has the bandwidth to text occasionally (though I’d love to speak on the phone with her, and I’m an introvert who hates the phone).
I realize this isn’t healthy, though. I was invited to a woman’s group by someone at church, and even though I’ll have to drive at night (I sound older than my mid 40s age), I will make myself go.
I don’t even know if I could keep up with that many digital friends. I had a handful of women I’d back up in Twitter arguments with trans activists, and we follow each other. But the nature of dealing with that issue (trans activists are often unstable psychos) is most of us stay anonymous… so that probably prevents deeper online friendships.
Yes. They are absolute lunatics. I will go to my grave remembering the look on the poor grandfather's face who the police sent to take my statement. Him: "Why does this individual want to, uh, ah, rape you to death?" Me: "To teach me not to doubt that he is a woman." (This after I had to teach him what Twitter was....)
With how late I was reading your Discord message, I hope you know I have no expectations of you responding ASAP, lol.
I'm glad you are seeing this and have some in life real friends to spend time with. I miss that. It's probably partly why I had a desire to work locally (among other things). But the people at work are not friend-friends as I can't be authentic.
I keep looking around for local places where I could meet some more like-minded people. The best I have is the gym for now or park in the summer, but even then I'm not really talking with people. I'd like to find some sort of local spiritual class or course or something. But that's one downside to living in a rural area. I haven't found anything so far.
It’s really hard. Until Josh and I found each other, I went through several years with only occasional visits with distant friends. It was very difficult. I am grateful for Josh for many reasons, but simple proximity is definitely one of them.
Wow! Impressive boldness in sharing. Thanks so much for your openness and vulnerability.
I wonder if your awareness of all the supportive friends in your life is at least one of the primary factors contributing to you being such a strong confident woman.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around that comment about guys trying to seduce you on the Internet. I would think they would have to meet someone in person and be a face-to-face friend before they could seriously consider romance.
I gave up on the possibility of ever having a romantic relationship about a decade ago when I finally realized that I was way too broken in way too many ways to make it work practically. Especially since I have virtually no libido.
I’ve literally never seen someone dissect their lives like this. I wonder what would happen if I did it to my own life. I’m glad you have a therapist. Now I might need one. BYW, I’m not being snarky here. It’s just a genuinely stunning revelation.
This is funny to me--I have written things I experienced as painful but this wasn't one at all. I guess loneliness is like white noise to me. It's not any more painful to discuss than my bad shoulder or my deafness.
It may be that people shy away from the pain in their lives and are surprised or shocked whenever someone is brutally honest. Instead of meandering around the subject you spoke directly and plainly and honestly. I don’t think people know how to handle that anymore. May be just me overthinking it.
Part of it might be seeing something genuine. When people post things online they usually fall into two categories: "look how great my life is" or "look how horrible my life is." My own defunct facebook page is like that. I had a great time living in Japan (mostly) and I wanted everyone who thought I was a loser in high school to see exactly that and no more. They certainly didn't get to see the way I struggled with learning to speak Japanese or the people I offended or the way some people treated me because I wasn't one of them. But ignoring those aspects gives only an imperfect picture of the way someone is and it's not a good way to engage with a community of honest people, or at least of people doing their best to deal with each other in an honest way.
These days I tend to (try to? I'm not perfect!) read only people I find to be genuine, and Holly here seems totally genuine. I generally stay away from video media because it's almost all fake and it's harder for me to see when it's not. I also try hard to be as honest about myself as I can be.
I totally know what you mean. I have a few high school bullies I'd probably perform for if we were in social-media-touch, LOL.
Bret (Weinstein) and I had a conversation about this once. Everyone's online persona is an edit. The difference is whether it's just cropped or whether it's staged and photoshopped with filters and has the colors re-touched and all that shit. When he and I met in person for the first time a few years back we were both delighted to find that the other person's online presence was a crop and that's all. In my case my sense of "normal" is so fucked up that I show more than I intend to sometimes and end up asking friends "Why am I getting comments praising my courage in revealing pain in writing something that wasn't all that painful?" LMAO. Writing is how I process the world. I've experimented a little bit out of curiosity, but there are only about seven things I've published that I wouldn't have written anyway, just for myself or a few friends. I shiver with gratitude about five times a week that people pay me to read stuff I'd write anyway. Talk about lucky.
Being open about this kind of pain has got to be tough--thank you for sharing, Holly. It's hard for me to conceptualize having online obligations of the level you describe. For me, having to respond to chats/emails/etc typically ends at the end of the work day, and I really prefer it that way. Do you think this is something that tends to arise with people who have high engagement on social media? Or is this just how things have worked out for you?
Having moved around a lot, I frequently find myself in new places where I don't know anyone. It's always connection to the people I know in-person that keeps me more-or-less grounded, and it can't be through text messages or online chats, has to be a phone call or Zoom. I think one of my most healthy rituals is a 10-15 minute Zoom call every morning with a guy who's been my friend for over 10 years now. For whatever reason, seeing his face and hearing his voice has kept us closer than I thought we would be when we both left Michigan so long ago.
Love your story, thanks! I'm working on rearranging some things so that I see my distant friends at least once a year in person, and we are also all working on figuring out how to talk on zoom instead of discord or texting more often.
I think it's great that you recognize that this is a problem in your life. However, it seems to me like it might be hard to actually do something about it that makes a difference. These friend-friends don't live near you, meaning you have to be online to keep in contact with them. You run also run a substack and work remotely. There doesn't seem to be a lot of room for you to get offline and still do these things. I'll be interested to see how you move forward!
Woah……I have been really busy/distracted with my mother-in-law and have not been on here much but……. You got the place with room for a dog, the one you inquired about before it was listed? Fantastic news!!
My Dad gifted me a subscription and this was the first piece I filtered. I don't think that therapist was in control of their emotions - making a personal judgement and likening your thought processes and your friend filters that you have set out to keep you safe and happy, to insanity... I am shook.
Look at the intensity at which you studied your friendship groups. That is amazing. You did something very brave and you continue to do it here; to show your true self. Just because you're behind a keyboard or on the other end of the phone doesn't make the friendship and what you get from it invalid, insane, any less of a friendship and each has value. It's time. Time shared is the value.
Perhaps I missed the true point and got hung up on that detail, and perhaps there was an exaggeration (I can't recall quote marks). Your mind is your mind. You need to find a therapist who helps you through your mind, not casts judgement of your coping mechanisms to handle a highly confusing world.
You've definitely shone a light, Holly. I thank you. And my Dad for gifting me this. He is a fan :) Have a good rest of the weekend with your alphabet friends - M
I understand your reaction because very few people have had any exposure at all to real therapy. For many years now, psychotherapy has been just having a paid friend. Someone who makes you feel better and tells you that you're doing great and you don't need to change anything. That is not the purpose of therapy. Therapy is about facilitating change, confronting the reality of your life. It's not for everyone. Most people cannot handle real therapy. There are plenty of days when I don't make the most of the opportunity because it's hard. It is very hard to have someone hold up a mirror, and to refuse to soften the truth of the reflection. I am very grateful that my therapist is not like most therapists because I don't want to be made to feel better. I want to get better. Everything he said was true and appropriate, because it was completely insane. My creating a life with this much digital fragmentation and distraction and allowing it to go on even though it makes me unhappy AF is insane. It's hard to think of something that would be more insane than to put tremendous effort into something that makes you miserable. The one and only reason why I did this intense analysis and made changes is that my therapist was brave enough to point out the truth to me.
"Most people cannot handle real therapy." Ain't that the truth.
And most therapists aren't capable of doing real therapy. In fact, many (most) therapists are doing the opposite of anything considered to be therapeutic, but I bet you already knew that.
I need faces. I need body language. Hugs, high fives, huddling together. I've had social media accounts for a long time, but on things like FB and Instagram I kept my settings pretty tight and only allowed friends or allowed people to follow me who I actually knew irl. (With the exception of my sock accounts. That's a different topic.) Online friends have never really been a thing for a me and I only started entertaining virtual relationships when my entire community shut down during the response to the pandemic in 2020. I've been pleasantly surprised to find a few genuine friends and it's been quite nice. But they make up a small percentage of people who I would consider to be friends.
As far as remote work, my work (outside of homeschooling) has always been face-to-face and I've always loved that. And I have found plenty of face-to-face work in my new state. But colleagues from my previous state still wanted me to work with them, so now I do a lot of virtual work for them. I originally rejected their offer out-of-hand...until they offered me NYC wages while living in a low cost-of-living red state. All of a sudden, I considered remote work.😊 And I have found that I actually love it - for the reasons you stated. It's also pretty darn awesome to throw my laptop in the car and head to the mountains or wherever I feel like it and work from there.
At first I read your journal and admired your detail and balance and communication, but at the end I was like "yeah, he's probably right." Granted you clearly have more friends than I do but at a certain point of being an adult I stopped worrying and micromanaging. People have lives, don't take it personal. Those who are close to me understand this as well. It bothers me that there are adults who don't know this. "Hey I emailed/DMed/replied/commented, what's up?" This is the approach of people who are either solitary and online too much, and/or those who are socially maladjusted (likely due to lack of in-person contact). I thought this was normal, to give the benefit of the doubt. "They must be busy, I'll try back another time." This is my default assumption. Even if it turns out someone was ghosting me, well, so much the better-- let's not waste our time. The only time I wavered was last year when my friend was non-responsive for a few weeks. I would check in on a weekly basis,, then wait. but after a bit I started to get insecure. She finally told me that her grandma had suddenly fallen terminally ill and moved in with her and her parents. (She had already died when I finally got a reply.) This is why I don't take it personal.
Not to mention, if someone is a friend-friend you don't need to explain yourself. They are likely an adult who understands that others have lives and obligations. I say this all the time but empathy is quite rare. Coincidentally I got a notification that you recently liked my "love languages" comment from last autumn and I re-read that segment of your piece and had the same conclusion: it's all about empathy. Can you shut off your ego and not take it personal? My Washington friend and I have a dynamic where we don't talk often (but still consider a friend-friend). The last time we had connected was when she told me she was pregnant back in November and I felt guilty for not checking in. Once again, as per our communication dynamic, she beat me to the punch, and I was forced to say "I was just about to write you!" for the umpteenth occasion. This was a few weeks ago and it took my almost two weeks to reply. It took me another week to reply to the reply. Granted, she's gestating a baby and has more important things on her mind but I am grateful to have known her long enough that I don't feel too guilty because I know she's not judging me for my negligence. All truly decent people in one's life will never demand attention, and always be grateful and gracious when they receive it. All others, to the back of the line with ye. (In fact, one measure of decency is how you handle being pushed to the back of the line.)
I grew up with one foot in the digital age and one in The Olde World so I embrace the digital connections but with the ultimate hope of manifesting them in the physical world. It's great we can connect digitally but for me it's all for naught if I don't ever meet them. Even if it were an acquaintance. A couple years ago I met like eight people off of Locals. Rather than retreating from socialization as I age, which people tend to do, I go the other direction, which includes in-person contact. The friend I mentioned earlier, she's getting married next month and you bet your ass I'm driving up to Ohio for it. For one, road trip why not, and two, the only time we met (we've known each other only online for four years) was 2.5 yrs ago and was cut short due to her health problems. Same with my pregnant friend. When I left Seattle I thought. "yeah I ain't coming back any time soon." Then not long after I got her wedding invitation lol. My initial response, which held for a while, was "it'll cost too much, I can't make that." Until it because "she's important to me, of course I'm going." Any opportunity for in-person, take it! In the gift-giving piece wherein you references the love language, you said physical contact was your primary language. So you already know this.
I'll be driving through the south to get there (from TX) so if there's any points of interest, even a place to eat, that I should check out I'd be happy to hear!
I think that all of the apps and platforms and information avenues we're able to wander down do open up the possibilities for learning and interactions. I can encounter and integrate far more useful information on Twitter and watching brief YouTube videos that I can sitting down and reading books start-to-finish, for example.
However, that kind of multi-tasking isn't just not optimal for humans. It's actually antithetical to they way we usually operate in the world. There's no online equivalent to sitting down and reading for two hours, losing yourself in the flow state. Similarly, there's no online equivalent to the nuance and social cues and neurotransmitter release and pheromones and tactility of spending time with people, in person. I think this a lesson that most 'online' people are beginning to learn. I fear it's one that the young will require decades to learn... and by the their damage may be irreparable.
Thanks for this piece Holly.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/
Yes -- things like Udemy are the biggest benefit of a digital life. But even there, single focus is crucial. I only got "good" at number theory problems when I started prioritizing spending time every day doing nothing but working on number theory problems with single focus. Multitasking is just not really a thing, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves it is. We just switch back and forth very quickly, and lose all the benefits of prior focus and attention every time.
Whoah! That makes me not want to comment. LOL
Seriously though, I have been trying to understand how I manage to get less and less done, the more attention and interaction I get online, so this is very timely for me.
My Substack brings in enough money that it's substantially speeding up my student loan payoff (or, at present, helping me save up for a planned move to a new apartment and getting a hearing dog). If not for this fact, it would not be remotely worth the trouble that having even a tiny audience like mine causes. If you're in the early stages of this, go into it with your eyes open. You will likely not experience the creepy sexual stuff but the rest of it is time-consuming, too.
This is a fantastic post Holly! I completely agree! I struggle with the same thing. I have very close friends: in New York, California, and Jerusalem! Among other places. I live in Philadelphia. I have precisely two close friends who live nearby. I freelance from home and have tons of virtual contact but see human friends in person precisely twice a week, and sometimes less. I've been sick a lot this year and that has cut down on in person time too. I also agree about working remotely being ideal. I don't want to "bring my whole self" to work! My whole self is no one's damn business! I want to do my job, produce what needs to be produced, and then go do my things. I like having work that I believe in, but it's not my identity the way it was when I was much younger. I just love your blog and all of your thoughts on so many varied topics. Sending lots of love, though it is virtual!
❤️❤️❤️
I don’t have any in person friends where I live, and I haven’t since I lived in another state back in 2015. I’m married with two kids, though, so I’m never alone. My closest friend from college is maybe 2 hours away, but her life is in chaos bc her husband is sick, and the children she adopted have a lot of mental health issues from trauma experienced before their adoption… so she only has the bandwidth to text occasionally (though I’d love to speak on the phone with her, and I’m an introvert who hates the phone).
I realize this isn’t healthy, though. I was invited to a woman’s group by someone at church, and even though I’ll have to drive at night (I sound older than my mid 40s age), I will make myself go.
I don’t even know if I could keep up with that many digital friends. I had a handful of women I’d back up in Twitter arguments with trans activists, and we follow each other. But the nature of dealing with that issue (trans activists are often unstable psychos) is most of us stay anonymous… so that probably prevents deeper online friendships.
Yes. They are absolute lunatics. I will go to my grave remembering the look on the poor grandfather's face who the police sent to take my statement. Him: "Why does this individual want to, uh, ah, rape you to death?" Me: "To teach me not to doubt that he is a woman." (This after I had to teach him what Twitter was....)
With how late I was reading your Discord message, I hope you know I have no expectations of you responding ASAP, lol.
I'm glad you are seeing this and have some in life real friends to spend time with. I miss that. It's probably partly why I had a desire to work locally (among other things). But the people at work are not friend-friends as I can't be authentic.
I keep looking around for local places where I could meet some more like-minded people. The best I have is the gym for now or park in the summer, but even then I'm not really talking with people. I'd like to find some sort of local spiritual class or course or something. But that's one downside to living in a rural area. I haven't found anything so far.
It’s really hard. Until Josh and I found each other, I went through several years with only occasional visits with distant friends. It was very difficult. I am grateful for Josh for many reasons, but simple proximity is definitely one of them.
I felt bad reflecting on yesterday.
Wow! Impressive boldness in sharing. Thanks so much for your openness and vulnerability.
I wonder if your awareness of all the supportive friends in your life is at least one of the primary factors contributing to you being such a strong confident woman.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around that comment about guys trying to seduce you on the Internet. I would think they would have to meet someone in person and be a face-to-face friend before they could seriously consider romance.
I gave up on the possibility of ever having a romantic relationship about a decade ago when I finally realized that I was way too broken in way too many ways to make it work practically. Especially since I have virtually no libido.
I’ve literally never seen someone dissect their lives like this. I wonder what would happen if I did it to my own life. I’m glad you have a therapist. Now I might need one. BYW, I’m not being snarky here. It’s just a genuinely stunning revelation.
This is funny to me--I have written things I experienced as painful but this wasn't one at all. I guess loneliness is like white noise to me. It's not any more painful to discuss than my bad shoulder or my deafness.
It may be that people shy away from the pain in their lives and are surprised or shocked whenever someone is brutally honest. Instead of meandering around the subject you spoke directly and plainly and honestly. I don’t think people know how to handle that anymore. May be just me overthinking it.
Part of it might be seeing something genuine. When people post things online they usually fall into two categories: "look how great my life is" or "look how horrible my life is." My own defunct facebook page is like that. I had a great time living in Japan (mostly) and I wanted everyone who thought I was a loser in high school to see exactly that and no more. They certainly didn't get to see the way I struggled with learning to speak Japanese or the people I offended or the way some people treated me because I wasn't one of them. But ignoring those aspects gives only an imperfect picture of the way someone is and it's not a good way to engage with a community of honest people, or at least of people doing their best to deal with each other in an honest way.
These days I tend to (try to? I'm not perfect!) read only people I find to be genuine, and Holly here seems totally genuine. I generally stay away from video media because it's almost all fake and it's harder for me to see when it's not. I also try hard to be as honest about myself as I can be.
I totally know what you mean. I have a few high school bullies I'd probably perform for if we were in social-media-touch, LOL.
Bret (Weinstein) and I had a conversation about this once. Everyone's online persona is an edit. The difference is whether it's just cropped or whether it's staged and photoshopped with filters and has the colors re-touched and all that shit. When he and I met in person for the first time a few years back we were both delighted to find that the other person's online presence was a crop and that's all. In my case my sense of "normal" is so fucked up that I show more than I intend to sometimes and end up asking friends "Why am I getting comments praising my courage in revealing pain in writing something that wasn't all that painful?" LMAO. Writing is how I process the world. I've experimented a little bit out of curiosity, but there are only about seven things I've published that I wouldn't have written anyway, just for myself or a few friends. I shiver with gratitude about five times a week that people pay me to read stuff I'd write anyway. Talk about lucky.
Being open about this kind of pain has got to be tough--thank you for sharing, Holly. It's hard for me to conceptualize having online obligations of the level you describe. For me, having to respond to chats/emails/etc typically ends at the end of the work day, and I really prefer it that way. Do you think this is something that tends to arise with people who have high engagement on social media? Or is this just how things have worked out for you?
Having moved around a lot, I frequently find myself in new places where I don't know anyone. It's always connection to the people I know in-person that keeps me more-or-less grounded, and it can't be through text messages or online chats, has to be a phone call or Zoom. I think one of my most healthy rituals is a 10-15 minute Zoom call every morning with a guy who's been my friend for over 10 years now. For whatever reason, seeing his face and hearing his voice has kept us closer than I thought we would be when we both left Michigan so long ago.
Love your story, thanks! I'm working on rearranging some things so that I see my distant friends at least once a year in person, and we are also all working on figuring out how to talk on zoom instead of discord or texting more often.
Thank you for this really honest post.
I think it's great that you recognize that this is a problem in your life. However, it seems to me like it might be hard to actually do something about it that makes a difference. These friend-friends don't live near you, meaning you have to be online to keep in contact with them. You run also run a substack and work remotely. There doesn't seem to be a lot of room for you to get offline and still do these things. I'll be interested to see how you move forward!
Woah……I have been really busy/distracted with my mother-in-law and have not been on here much but……. You got the place with room for a dog, the one you inquired about before it was listed? Fantastic news!!
Well written. You definitely deserve the wonderful shout it that James Lindsay gave you on his latest podcast.
Thanks, and I heard that! I love that he picked that part. It's all commie bullshit.
My Dad gifted me a subscription and this was the first piece I filtered. I don't think that therapist was in control of their emotions - making a personal judgement and likening your thought processes and your friend filters that you have set out to keep you safe and happy, to insanity... I am shook.
Look at the intensity at which you studied your friendship groups. That is amazing. You did something very brave and you continue to do it here; to show your true self. Just because you're behind a keyboard or on the other end of the phone doesn't make the friendship and what you get from it invalid, insane, any less of a friendship and each has value. It's time. Time shared is the value.
Perhaps I missed the true point and got hung up on that detail, and perhaps there was an exaggeration (I can't recall quote marks). Your mind is your mind. You need to find a therapist who helps you through your mind, not casts judgement of your coping mechanisms to handle a highly confusing world.
You've definitely shone a light, Holly. I thank you. And my Dad for gifting me this. He is a fan :) Have a good rest of the weekend with your alphabet friends - M
I understand your reaction because very few people have had any exposure at all to real therapy. For many years now, psychotherapy has been just having a paid friend. Someone who makes you feel better and tells you that you're doing great and you don't need to change anything. That is not the purpose of therapy. Therapy is about facilitating change, confronting the reality of your life. It's not for everyone. Most people cannot handle real therapy. There are plenty of days when I don't make the most of the opportunity because it's hard. It is very hard to have someone hold up a mirror, and to refuse to soften the truth of the reflection. I am very grateful that my therapist is not like most therapists because I don't want to be made to feel better. I want to get better. Everything he said was true and appropriate, because it was completely insane. My creating a life with this much digital fragmentation and distraction and allowing it to go on even though it makes me unhappy AF is insane. It's hard to think of something that would be more insane than to put tremendous effort into something that makes you miserable. The one and only reason why I did this intense analysis and made changes is that my therapist was brave enough to point out the truth to me.
"Most people cannot handle real therapy." Ain't that the truth.
And most therapists aren't capable of doing real therapy. In fact, many (most) therapists are doing the opposite of anything considered to be therapeutic, but I bet you already knew that.
I need faces. I need body language. Hugs, high fives, huddling together. I've had social media accounts for a long time, but on things like FB and Instagram I kept my settings pretty tight and only allowed friends or allowed people to follow me who I actually knew irl. (With the exception of my sock accounts. That's a different topic.) Online friends have never really been a thing for a me and I only started entertaining virtual relationships when my entire community shut down during the response to the pandemic in 2020. I've been pleasantly surprised to find a few genuine friends and it's been quite nice. But they make up a small percentage of people who I would consider to be friends.
As far as remote work, my work (outside of homeschooling) has always been face-to-face and I've always loved that. And I have found plenty of face-to-face work in my new state. But colleagues from my previous state still wanted me to work with them, so now I do a lot of virtual work for them. I originally rejected their offer out-of-hand...until they offered me NYC wages while living in a low cost-of-living red state. All of a sudden, I considered remote work.😊 And I have found that I actually love it - for the reasons you stated. It's also pretty darn awesome to throw my laptop in the car and head to the mountains or wherever I feel like it and work from there.
At first I read your journal and admired your detail and balance and communication, but at the end I was like "yeah, he's probably right." Granted you clearly have more friends than I do but at a certain point of being an adult I stopped worrying and micromanaging. People have lives, don't take it personal. Those who are close to me understand this as well. It bothers me that there are adults who don't know this. "Hey I emailed/DMed/replied/commented, what's up?" This is the approach of people who are either solitary and online too much, and/or those who are socially maladjusted (likely due to lack of in-person contact). I thought this was normal, to give the benefit of the doubt. "They must be busy, I'll try back another time." This is my default assumption. Even if it turns out someone was ghosting me, well, so much the better-- let's not waste our time. The only time I wavered was last year when my friend was non-responsive for a few weeks. I would check in on a weekly basis,, then wait. but after a bit I started to get insecure. She finally told me that her grandma had suddenly fallen terminally ill and moved in with her and her parents. (She had already died when I finally got a reply.) This is why I don't take it personal.
Not to mention, if someone is a friend-friend you don't need to explain yourself. They are likely an adult who understands that others have lives and obligations. I say this all the time but empathy is quite rare. Coincidentally I got a notification that you recently liked my "love languages" comment from last autumn and I re-read that segment of your piece and had the same conclusion: it's all about empathy. Can you shut off your ego and not take it personal? My Washington friend and I have a dynamic where we don't talk often (but still consider a friend-friend). The last time we had connected was when she told me she was pregnant back in November and I felt guilty for not checking in. Once again, as per our communication dynamic, she beat me to the punch, and I was forced to say "I was just about to write you!" for the umpteenth occasion. This was a few weeks ago and it took my almost two weeks to reply. It took me another week to reply to the reply. Granted, she's gestating a baby and has more important things on her mind but I am grateful to have known her long enough that I don't feel too guilty because I know she's not judging me for my negligence. All truly decent people in one's life will never demand attention, and always be grateful and gracious when they receive it. All others, to the back of the line with ye. (In fact, one measure of decency is how you handle being pushed to the back of the line.)
I grew up with one foot in the digital age and one in The Olde World so I embrace the digital connections but with the ultimate hope of manifesting them in the physical world. It's great we can connect digitally but for me it's all for naught if I don't ever meet them. Even if it were an acquaintance. A couple years ago I met like eight people off of Locals. Rather than retreating from socialization as I age, which people tend to do, I go the other direction, which includes in-person contact. The friend I mentioned earlier, she's getting married next month and you bet your ass I'm driving up to Ohio for it. For one, road trip why not, and two, the only time we met (we've known each other only online for four years) was 2.5 yrs ago and was cut short due to her health problems. Same with my pregnant friend. When I left Seattle I thought. "yeah I ain't coming back any time soon." Then not long after I got her wedding invitation lol. My initial response, which held for a while, was "it'll cost too much, I can't make that." Until it because "she's important to me, of course I'm going." Any opportunity for in-person, take it! In the gift-giving piece wherein you references the love language, you said physical contact was your primary language. So you already know this.
I'll be driving through the south to get there (from TX) so if there's any points of interest, even a place to eat, that I should check out I'd be happy to hear!