I think that all of the apps and platforms and information avenues we're able to wander down do open up the possibilities for learning and interactions. I can encounter and integrate far more useful information on Twitter and watching brief YouTube videos that I can sitting down and reading books start-to-finish, for example.
However, that kind of multi-tasking isn't just not optimal for humans. It's actually antithetical to they way we usually operate in the world. There's no online equivalent to sitting down and reading for two hours, losing yourself in the flow state. Similarly, there's no online equivalent to the nuance and social cues and neurotransmitter release and pheromones and tactility of spending time with people, in person. I think this a lesson that most 'online' people are beginning to learn. I fear it's one that the young will require decades to learn... and by the their damage may be irreparable.
Seriously though, I have been trying to understand how I manage to get less and less done, the more attention and interaction I get online, so this is very timely for me.
This is a fantastic post Holly! I completely agree! I struggle with the same thing. I have very close friends: in New York, California, and Jerusalem! Among other places. I live in Philadelphia. I have precisely two close friends who live nearby. I freelance from home and have tons of virtual contact but see human friends in person precisely twice a week, and sometimes less. I've been sick a lot this year and that has cut down on in person time too. I also agree about working remotely being ideal. I don't want to "bring my whole self" to work! My whole self is no one's damn business! I want to do my job, produce what needs to be produced, and then go do my things. I like having work that I believe in, but it's not my identity the way it was when I was much younger. I just love your blog and all of your thoughts on so many varied topics. Sending lots of love, though it is virtual!
I don’t have any in person friends where I live, and I haven’t since I lived in another state back in 2015. I’m married with two kids, though, so I’m never alone. My closest friend from college is maybe 2 hours away, but her life is in chaos bc her husband is sick, and the children she adopted have a lot of mental health issues from trauma experienced before their adoption… so she only has the bandwidth to text occasionally (though I’d love to speak on the phone with her, and I’m an introvert who hates the phone).
I realize this isn’t healthy, though. I was invited to a woman’s group by someone at church, and even though I’ll have to drive at night (I sound older than my mid 40s age), I will make myself go.
I don’t even know if I could keep up with that many digital friends. I had a handful of women I’d back up in Twitter arguments with trans activists, and we follow each other. But the nature of dealing with that issue (trans activists are often unstable psychos) is most of us stay anonymous… so that probably prevents deeper online friendships.
With how late I was reading your Discord message, I hope you know I have no expectations of you responding ASAP, lol.
I'm glad you are seeing this and have some in life real friends to spend time with. I miss that. It's probably partly why I had a desire to work locally (among other things). But the people at work are not friend-friends as I can't be authentic.
I keep looking around for local places where I could meet some more like-minded people. The best I have is the gym for now or park in the summer, but even then I'm not really talking with people. I'd like to find some sort of local spiritual class or course or something. But that's one downside to living in a rural area. I haven't found anything so far.
Wow! Impressive boldness in sharing. Thanks so much for your openness and vulnerability.
I wonder if your awareness of all the supportive friends in your life is at least one of the primary factors contributing to you being such a strong confident woman.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around that comment about guys trying to seduce you on the Internet. I would think they would have to meet someone in person and be a face-to-face friend before they could seriously consider romance.
I gave up on the possibility of ever having a romantic relationship about a decade ago when I finally realized that I was way too broken in way too many ways to make it work practically. Especially since I have virtually no libido.
Human beings are analog creatures; we weren’t made to interact digitally.
If I link up with some Marine buddies of mine, we may not have met for 5+ years, but we pick up right where we left off. We keep in contact via a group chat, but ain’t nothing like hanging out and having a few beers together.
I’ve literally never seen someone dissect their lives like this. I wonder what would happen if I did it to my own life. I’m glad you have a therapist. Now I might need one. BYW, I’m not being snarky here. It’s just a genuinely stunning revelation.
Being open about this kind of pain has got to be tough--thank you for sharing, Holly. It's hard for me to conceptualize having online obligations of the level you describe. For me, having to respond to chats/emails/etc typically ends at the end of the work day, and I really prefer it that way. Do you think this is something that tends to arise with people who have high engagement on social media? Or is this just how things have worked out for you?
Having moved around a lot, I frequently find myself in new places where I don't know anyone. It's always connection to the people I know in-person that keeps me more-or-less grounded, and it can't be through text messages or online chats, has to be a phone call or Zoom. I think one of my most healthy rituals is a 10-15 minute Zoom call every morning with a guy who's been my friend for over 10 years now. For whatever reason, seeing his face and hearing his voice has kept us closer than I thought we would be when we both left Michigan so long ago.
I think it's great that you recognize that this is a problem in your life. However, it seems to me like it might be hard to actually do something about it that makes a difference. These friend-friends don't live near you, meaning you have to be online to keep in contact with them. You run also run a substack and work remotely. There doesn't seem to be a lot of room for you to get offline and still do these things. I'll be interested to see how you move forward!
Woah……I have been really busy/distracted with my mother-in-law and have not been on here much but……. You got the place with room for a dog, the one you inquired about before it was listed? Fantastic news!!
My Dad gifted me a subscription and this was the first piece I filtered. I don't think that therapist was in control of their emotions - making a personal judgement and likening your thought processes and your friend filters that you have set out to keep you safe and happy, to insanity... I am shook.
Look at the intensity at which you studied your friendship groups. That is amazing. You did something very brave and you continue to do it here; to show your true self. Just because you're behind a keyboard or on the other end of the phone doesn't make the friendship and what you get from it invalid, insane, any less of a friendship and each has value. It's time. Time shared is the value.
Perhaps I missed the true point and got hung up on that detail, and perhaps there was an exaggeration (I can't recall quote marks). Your mind is your mind. You need to find a therapist who helps you through your mind, not casts judgement of your coping mechanisms to handle a highly confusing world.
You've definitely shone a light, Holly. I thank you. And my Dad for gifting me this. He is a fan :) Have a good rest of the weekend with your alphabet friends - M
I need faces. I need body language. Hugs, high fives, huddling together. I've had social media accounts for a long time, but on things like FB and Instagram I kept my settings pretty tight and only allowed friends or allowed people to follow me who I actually knew irl. (With the exception of my sock accounts. That's a different topic.) Online friends have never really been a thing for a me and I only started entertaining virtual relationships when my entire community shut down during the response to the pandemic in 2020. I've been pleasantly surprised to find a few genuine friends and it's been quite nice. But they make up a small percentage of people who I would consider to be friends.
As far as remote work, my work (outside of homeschooling) has always been face-to-face and I've always loved that. And I have found plenty of face-to-face work in my new state. But colleagues from my previous state still wanted me to work with them, so now I do a lot of virtual work for them. I originally rejected their offer out-of-hand...until they offered me NYC wages while living in a low cost-of-living red state. All of a sudden, I considered remote work.😊 And I have found that I actually love it - for the reasons you stated. It's also pretty darn awesome to throw my laptop in the car and head to the mountains or wherever I feel like it and work from there.
I think that all of the apps and platforms and information avenues we're able to wander down do open up the possibilities for learning and interactions. I can encounter and integrate far more useful information on Twitter and watching brief YouTube videos that I can sitting down and reading books start-to-finish, for example.
However, that kind of multi-tasking isn't just not optimal for humans. It's actually antithetical to they way we usually operate in the world. There's no online equivalent to sitting down and reading for two hours, losing yourself in the flow state. Similarly, there's no online equivalent to the nuance and social cues and neurotransmitter release and pheromones and tactility of spending time with people, in person. I think this a lesson that most 'online' people are beginning to learn. I fear it's one that the young will require decades to learn... and by the their damage may be irreparable.
Thanks for this piece Holly.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/
Whoah! That makes me not want to comment. LOL
Seriously though, I have been trying to understand how I manage to get less and less done, the more attention and interaction I get online, so this is very timely for me.
This is a fantastic post Holly! I completely agree! I struggle with the same thing. I have very close friends: in New York, California, and Jerusalem! Among other places. I live in Philadelphia. I have precisely two close friends who live nearby. I freelance from home and have tons of virtual contact but see human friends in person precisely twice a week, and sometimes less. I've been sick a lot this year and that has cut down on in person time too. I also agree about working remotely being ideal. I don't want to "bring my whole self" to work! My whole self is no one's damn business! I want to do my job, produce what needs to be produced, and then go do my things. I like having work that I believe in, but it's not my identity the way it was when I was much younger. I just love your blog and all of your thoughts on so many varied topics. Sending lots of love, though it is virtual!
I don’t have any in person friends where I live, and I haven’t since I lived in another state back in 2015. I’m married with two kids, though, so I’m never alone. My closest friend from college is maybe 2 hours away, but her life is in chaos bc her husband is sick, and the children she adopted have a lot of mental health issues from trauma experienced before their adoption… so she only has the bandwidth to text occasionally (though I’d love to speak on the phone with her, and I’m an introvert who hates the phone).
I realize this isn’t healthy, though. I was invited to a woman’s group by someone at church, and even though I’ll have to drive at night (I sound older than my mid 40s age), I will make myself go.
I don’t even know if I could keep up with that many digital friends. I had a handful of women I’d back up in Twitter arguments with trans activists, and we follow each other. But the nature of dealing with that issue (trans activists are often unstable psychos) is most of us stay anonymous… so that probably prevents deeper online friendships.
With how late I was reading your Discord message, I hope you know I have no expectations of you responding ASAP, lol.
I'm glad you are seeing this and have some in life real friends to spend time with. I miss that. It's probably partly why I had a desire to work locally (among other things). But the people at work are not friend-friends as I can't be authentic.
I keep looking around for local places where I could meet some more like-minded people. The best I have is the gym for now or park in the summer, but even then I'm not really talking with people. I'd like to find some sort of local spiritual class or course or something. But that's one downside to living in a rural area. I haven't found anything so far.
I felt bad reflecting on yesterday.
Wow! Impressive boldness in sharing. Thanks so much for your openness and vulnerability.
I wonder if your awareness of all the supportive friends in your life is at least one of the primary factors contributing to you being such a strong confident woman.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around that comment about guys trying to seduce you on the Internet. I would think they would have to meet someone in person and be a face-to-face friend before they could seriously consider romance.
I gave up on the possibility of ever having a romantic relationship about a decade ago when I finally realized that I was way too broken in way too many ways to make it work practically. Especially since I have virtually no libido.
Truth.
Human beings are analog creatures; we weren’t made to interact digitally.
If I link up with some Marine buddies of mine, we may not have met for 5+ years, but we pick up right where we left off. We keep in contact via a group chat, but ain’t nothing like hanging out and having a few beers together.
I’ve literally never seen someone dissect their lives like this. I wonder what would happen if I did it to my own life. I’m glad you have a therapist. Now I might need one. BYW, I’m not being snarky here. It’s just a genuinely stunning revelation.
Being open about this kind of pain has got to be tough--thank you for sharing, Holly. It's hard for me to conceptualize having online obligations of the level you describe. For me, having to respond to chats/emails/etc typically ends at the end of the work day, and I really prefer it that way. Do you think this is something that tends to arise with people who have high engagement on social media? Or is this just how things have worked out for you?
Having moved around a lot, I frequently find myself in new places where I don't know anyone. It's always connection to the people I know in-person that keeps me more-or-less grounded, and it can't be through text messages or online chats, has to be a phone call or Zoom. I think one of my most healthy rituals is a 10-15 minute Zoom call every morning with a guy who's been my friend for over 10 years now. For whatever reason, seeing his face and hearing his voice has kept us closer than I thought we would be when we both left Michigan so long ago.
Thank you for this really honest post.
I think it's great that you recognize that this is a problem in your life. However, it seems to me like it might be hard to actually do something about it that makes a difference. These friend-friends don't live near you, meaning you have to be online to keep in contact with them. You run also run a substack and work remotely. There doesn't seem to be a lot of room for you to get offline and still do these things. I'll be interested to see how you move forward!
Woah……I have been really busy/distracted with my mother-in-law and have not been on here much but……. You got the place with room for a dog, the one you inquired about before it was listed? Fantastic news!!
Well written. You definitely deserve the wonderful shout it that James Lindsay gave you on his latest podcast.
My Dad gifted me a subscription and this was the first piece I filtered. I don't think that therapist was in control of their emotions - making a personal judgement and likening your thought processes and your friend filters that you have set out to keep you safe and happy, to insanity... I am shook.
Look at the intensity at which you studied your friendship groups. That is amazing. You did something very brave and you continue to do it here; to show your true self. Just because you're behind a keyboard or on the other end of the phone doesn't make the friendship and what you get from it invalid, insane, any less of a friendship and each has value. It's time. Time shared is the value.
Perhaps I missed the true point and got hung up on that detail, and perhaps there was an exaggeration (I can't recall quote marks). Your mind is your mind. You need to find a therapist who helps you through your mind, not casts judgement of your coping mechanisms to handle a highly confusing world.
You've definitely shone a light, Holly. I thank you. And my Dad for gifting me this. He is a fan :) Have a good rest of the weekend with your alphabet friends - M
I need faces. I need body language. Hugs, high fives, huddling together. I've had social media accounts for a long time, but on things like FB and Instagram I kept my settings pretty tight and only allowed friends or allowed people to follow me who I actually knew irl. (With the exception of my sock accounts. That's a different topic.) Online friends have never really been a thing for a me and I only started entertaining virtual relationships when my entire community shut down during the response to the pandemic in 2020. I've been pleasantly surprised to find a few genuine friends and it's been quite nice. But they make up a small percentage of people who I would consider to be friends.
As far as remote work, my work (outside of homeschooling) has always been face-to-face and I've always loved that. And I have found plenty of face-to-face work in my new state. But colleagues from my previous state still wanted me to work with them, so now I do a lot of virtual work for them. I originally rejected their offer out-of-hand...until they offered me NYC wages while living in a low cost-of-living red state. All of a sudden, I considered remote work.😊 And I have found that I actually love it - for the reasons you stated. It's also pretty darn awesome to throw my laptop in the car and head to the mountains or wherever I feel like it and work from there.