I’ve loved Star Trek for my entire life. I’m glad to see that you find wisdom and excellent characterization in its stories, just as I do. I’ve never been in Torres’ position, nor Chakotay’s, but if I ever am, I’ll remember this article.
Thank you Holly. I’m in a situation currently that made your ‘land mines’ paragraph really sing to me. This is a friend who is dear to me who I can see is in deep trouble. He is a fighter and he’s always been completely independent, but he has taken 3 successive psychological broadsides over the past 6 months (death of a twin, infidelity and loss of relationship, and now an accidental overdose death of a life long friend) and he appears to me to be sinking into medical pain-care dependency. We are close, but not at the level of the losses he’s taken. I see the need, and I truly want to be there for him. But all I see are the land mines. I don’t know how to help without being insulting or intrusive. I realize that probably means I’m not close enough, but there’s no one else left. I would sacrifice the friendship if I knew for a fact it would help him, I’m just wary of overstepping and further isolating him without benefit. Feeling helpless, but I’m about to charge into that mine field and try my best. Thanks again.
Oh, wow. That's awful. I empathize with your position; someone I love has had a brutally difficult twelve months, and it's a matter of genuine awe to me that there are no signs of addiction or other rooted-in-coping-mechanism type problems. Good luck. I hope (for his sake and yours, both) that you don't lose him or, if you do, that it's just for a brief time while he goes off and gets himself together before emerging looking more like the pre-loss version of himself.
My hope precisely! I’ve tripped such a land mine before and the relationship survived after great turbulence. When it’s important you have to step up. That’s a better measure of ‘close enough’ anyway.
If I might ask Holly, and you have no responsibility to answer since you aren't my therapist or anything so I hope this doesn't come across as trauma dumping or anything, do you have any recommendations, book or maybe something for when one is feeling more like Torres? I've had a hard time putting my feelings into words but after the recent death of a family member all her talk of not feeling anything in regards to daily things and stuff we used to find enjoyment or comfort in really hit home. I haven't physically hurt myself and I can't think of specific trauma to point too like Torres uses in her example so I'm not sure where to start but i do feel like im cutting myself off from what i should be feeling and this whole essay really hit close to home.
I do appreciate you posting this though and really hope this question isn't too much to ask. Thank you for the insight regardless.
No problem. Here's my advice. Do physical things. Go on a hike that's a little past your fitness level, or run a little faster than you normally would. (Key word: little). Anything that gets you in your body, present with yourself. Start a martial arts program if you can afford it. If you feel like talking, if you have a friend you can trust this much, ask them to play Socrates. Talk about the feelings and where they may be coming from. Socrates should Challenge you on everything, gently but firmly. You've almost certainly got some false assumptions causing you difficulty. If you don't have a friend you can trust this much, borrow my friend Josh (book a session with his consultant gig, he's great at this). If these things bring clarity that there's a deeper issue, something specific, I'll probably have a book recommendation at that point, or a suggestion on how to choose a sane therapist.
That is a wonderful essay Holly. I'm definitely saving it. As someone who's been so fortunate all my life to have never struggled with thoughts of suicide, I find it so easy and tempting to say, "I know how you feel". No, I don't, and it's not helpful and is a dismissive thing to say.
Chokotay does a great job of pushing Torres to explain HER feelings and thoughts. As a gnarled old programmer, I have solved many colleagues' problems by just having them explain it to me until I could understand it. By the time they finished, they had usually seen the solution--and they gave me credit! It's very hard to walk that line without falling into therapist cliches, "And how does that make you feel?"
Thank you for reading it. And your comment made me laugh out loud. I've lost track of how many times I've popped into Discord to ask Gator a coding question and by the time I've clearly explained the problem, I have solved it. The clarity of understanding it well enough to ask a good question is often more than enough to solve the problem!
I tried to comment here last night but was, frankly, overcome with emotion. Mostly for other reasons. I _love_ Voyager. I rewatch it every 5-10 years. It never gets old to watch the actors mature from the first episode to the last. To watch them become better actors as they grow into their characters. To watch the 1-of-1 episode. And Tuvix. I made a t-shirt of Tuvok dancing for Neelix at his departure: https://youtu.be/2RMNfMCN15E?t=134. I could go on.
I’ve loved Star Trek for my entire life. I’m glad to see that you find wisdom and excellent characterization in its stories, just as I do. I’ve never been in Torres’ position, nor Chakotay’s, but if I ever am, I’ll remember this article.
Voyager was terribly uneven, but when it was good, it was phenomenal.
Agreed! I’m picking through Voyager now, actually, and oh boy are the highs high and the lows low haha. I appreciate it much more now that I’m older.
Thank you Holly. I’m in a situation currently that made your ‘land mines’ paragraph really sing to me. This is a friend who is dear to me who I can see is in deep trouble. He is a fighter and he’s always been completely independent, but he has taken 3 successive psychological broadsides over the past 6 months (death of a twin, infidelity and loss of relationship, and now an accidental overdose death of a life long friend) and he appears to me to be sinking into medical pain-care dependency. We are close, but not at the level of the losses he’s taken. I see the need, and I truly want to be there for him. But all I see are the land mines. I don’t know how to help without being insulting or intrusive. I realize that probably means I’m not close enough, but there’s no one else left. I would sacrifice the friendship if I knew for a fact it would help him, I’m just wary of overstepping and further isolating him without benefit. Feeling helpless, but I’m about to charge into that mine field and try my best. Thanks again.
Oh, wow. That's awful. I empathize with your position; someone I love has had a brutally difficult twelve months, and it's a matter of genuine awe to me that there are no signs of addiction or other rooted-in-coping-mechanism type problems. Good luck. I hope (for his sake and yours, both) that you don't lose him or, if you do, that it's just for a brief time while he goes off and gets himself together before emerging looking more like the pre-loss version of himself.
My hope precisely! I’ve tripped such a land mine before and the relationship survived after great turbulence. When it’s important you have to step up. That’s a better measure of ‘close enough’ anyway.
If I might ask Holly, and you have no responsibility to answer since you aren't my therapist or anything so I hope this doesn't come across as trauma dumping or anything, do you have any recommendations, book or maybe something for when one is feeling more like Torres? I've had a hard time putting my feelings into words but after the recent death of a family member all her talk of not feeling anything in regards to daily things and stuff we used to find enjoyment or comfort in really hit home. I haven't physically hurt myself and I can't think of specific trauma to point too like Torres uses in her example so I'm not sure where to start but i do feel like im cutting myself off from what i should be feeling and this whole essay really hit close to home.
I do appreciate you posting this though and really hope this question isn't too much to ask. Thank you for the insight regardless.
No problem. Here's my advice. Do physical things. Go on a hike that's a little past your fitness level, or run a little faster than you normally would. (Key word: little). Anything that gets you in your body, present with yourself. Start a martial arts program if you can afford it. If you feel like talking, if you have a friend you can trust this much, ask them to play Socrates. Talk about the feelings and where they may be coming from. Socrates should Challenge you on everything, gently but firmly. You've almost certainly got some false assumptions causing you difficulty. If you don't have a friend you can trust this much, borrow my friend Josh (book a session with his consultant gig, he's great at this). If these things bring clarity that there's a deeper issue, something specific, I'll probably have a book recommendation at that point, or a suggestion on how to choose a sane therapist.
Thank you, Holly I'll try what I can
That is a wonderful essay Holly. I'm definitely saving it. As someone who's been so fortunate all my life to have never struggled with thoughts of suicide, I find it so easy and tempting to say, "I know how you feel". No, I don't, and it's not helpful and is a dismissive thing to say.
Chokotay does a great job of pushing Torres to explain HER feelings and thoughts. As a gnarled old programmer, I have solved many colleagues' problems by just having them explain it to me until I could understand it. By the time they finished, they had usually seen the solution--and they gave me credit! It's very hard to walk that line without falling into therapist cliches, "And how does that make you feel?"
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for reading it. And your comment made me laugh out loud. I've lost track of how many times I've popped into Discord to ask Gator a coding question and by the time I've clearly explained the problem, I have solved it. The clarity of understanding it well enough to ask a good question is often more than enough to solve the problem!
I think a great challenge for many people is conflating the ideas of being nice and being kind.
It is not a kindness to be an enabler for self-destructive behavior, whatever flavor that may be.
I tried to comment here last night but was, frankly, overcome with emotion. Mostly for other reasons. I _love_ Voyager. I rewatch it every 5-10 years. It never gets old to watch the actors mature from the first episode to the last. To watch them become better actors as they grow into their characters. To watch the 1-of-1 episode. And Tuvix. I made a t-shirt of Tuvok dancing for Neelix at his departure: https://youtu.be/2RMNfMCN15E?t=134. I could go on.