This is the sixteenth edition of a creative writing feature for paid subscribers, who are also able to comment on this post (and most posts). If you would like a paid subscription but can’t afford it, send an email to hollymathnerd at gmail dot com and I’ll hook you up with a free year.
Context: writing is how I deal with very powerful negative emotions. It is rare for me to experience positive emotions strong enough that they drive me to write, but I’m there now. So that’s what this is.
One of my therapist’s favorite things to criticize me for is my “childish need for certainty.”
I went into mathematics, a field with clear right and wrong answers, algorithms that can always be relied on, innumerable rules to follow, and in which the pinnacle of understanding something is literally “writing a proof.”
My living space is neat, clean, and orderly to the point that Marine drill sergeants would have a hard time finding something for which to fail me in an inspection.
I live by to-do lists, which provide a clear definition of success, discipline, and daily achievement, to a degree that would easily qualify me for a diagnosis of OCD if I didn’t have one already.
Gosh. Wherever did the person who knows me best, from whom I have literally zero secrets, ever get the idea that I, of all people, am driven by a need for certainty? 😂
Something wonderful happened yesterday, something that relieved uncertainty in a healthy, edifying, affirming way.