Authenticity, Performance, and Perception
two angles on authenticity
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I was about fourteen when my mother and her best friend, the church secretary, sat me down to teach me about men.
Their first lesson was this: if you need a man to do something, you must never, ever, ever just ask him. A man will never do a thing unless he thinks it was his idea.
They gave me several tactics: dropping hints, arranging for him to overhear you discussing the need for the thing to be done, and especially mentioning it when he’s busy or distracted, like watching sports on TV.
I listened carefully to their examples, including of times when they had used these tactics to get their husbands to do things.
When they finished, I asked, gingerly, “But…what if I don’t want to be with someone I have to manipulate this way? I kinda think I want to marry someone who I could just ask, ‘Hey, can we do this?’ and have him either say ‘Sure we can’ or ‘No, and here’s why’.”
They laughed.
They laughed so hard.
They weren’t trying to be cruel, by any means.
They laughed the way well-meaning adults laugh when a very young child has said something adorably stupid out of childish ignorance.
I think about this a lot.